JUNE 13, 2011. On a distant planet called Z-D54, historians worked in a cloister to decode the meaning of news events that had occurred hundreds of years earlier on a “seedling place” called Earth.
It wasn’t easy. There was the language barrier, of course. But more importantly, the sheer strangeness of the news reports, and the events being summarized, revealed a cultural barrier one researcher called “as puzzling as discovering a life form based on chemistry we would assume was lethal.”
Dr. Zzrrg, the director of the research project, stated, “We’re grappling with the fact that those people seemed obsessed with lying. Either their information ministry regularly dispensed falsehoods, or the events being reported were staged by psychotic individuals. It’s hard to tell which.”
Interestingly, the research team has created what it believes would have been “true headlines” for that time period on Earth. It’s using these headlines as a kind of template to assess the degree of variance and distortion present in ancient Earth culture.
WE ARE MEDIA. WE LIE. BELIEVE US ANYWAY.
POPULATION CAN NO LONGER DISTINGUISH WHAT IS TRUE.
MASS HYPNOSIS ON EARTH RENDERS ALL REPORTS OF EVENTS SUSPECT.
NEWSPAPERS REPRESENT HIDDEN INTERESTS DETERMINED TO DECEIVE THE PUBLIC.
SMALL EVENTS, LARGE EVENTS. WE’LL TWIST THE DETAILS.
MILLIONS CONFESS: WE PREFER CONTRADICTIONS AND FAIRY TALES.
The research team claims that if such headlines had, in fact, been dispersed widely in the Earth civilization, people might have awakened and seen their “information age” as a “fabulous joke.”
ITEM: Greece is bankrupt. So, to bring in small amounts of cash that will change nothing, it’s auctioning off “pollution credits” to factories in other EU countries. These credits will allow those factories to put more tonnage of CO2 into the air. Hmm. First of all, Greek factories are closed down right now. In protest of economic belt-tightening policies of their government. You know, a bit of irony. Then we have this: CO2 has never been proved to cause a dangerous level of global warming. Unless you want to believe scientists whose main business is PR, scientists who refuse to debate, in a neutral forum, many other scientists who claim dangerous warming is a hoax. Can somebody write a Broadway musical based on these tortured happenings? Maybe put Socrates in the lead role as the man who exposes all the inherent absurdities. Curtain goes up at 2 in the afternoon, cast takes bows at midnight…
ITEM: Scientists discover genetic link to migraines. Forget the catchy headline. Reading down to the end of the story, the researchers say the three genes in question could be involved in merely a 10-15% increased risk of migraines. And the genes don’t really give doctors the ability to make a diagnosis. Uh-huh. Well, good. Check back with us in 30 years.
ITEM: In these bad economic times, Obama is advising Americans to save a little bit of what they earn. Wow, let me recover from that revelation. Almost as good as Bush telling Americans after 9/11 to go shopping. So…go shopping, but don’t buy that underwear spangled with rhinestones. Is that the takeaway from our two most recent presidents?
ITEM: Two new pending EPA pollution regulations would hammer the coal industry and cause utility bills in the US to go up 11 to 23%. Financial justification is thousands fewer lung problems and hospital visits. Pick your poison. But think about this. Government as King Kong health insurer can justify ANYTHING based on “lower health costs.” Like: You must wear a titanium vest while driving your car, because chest injuries in auto accidents are a major health expense. Sex without wearing five condoms is a punishable offense, because health costs for treating STDs are skyrocketing. Or: every child must be screened for mental disorders to save greater treatment costs later. Basically it’s this: “WE INSURE, YOU OBEY.”
ITEM: Oh my God, oh my God, the Republicans are trying to defund NPR. You kidding? Have you ever really listened to All Brain DamageConsidered? It’s like a horrible sleeping pill that doesn’t work. Leaves you drifting in an undefined space, where the world is being saved by reasonable and well modulated Baby Boomers. Tip to John Carpenter—seed of a horror movie there. A great one.
ITEM: The New York Times corporation has been on a major re-fi campaign, exchanging its old debts for new debts. It’s in a deep financial hole. Is it too big to fail? Would a succession of presidents make sure it’s bailed out, just to keep a million or so self-important people on the Eastern seaboard from committing suicide?
RUMORS: Obama’s high-speed-train project is designed to get voters to the polls in 2016. Look for another Bush to emerge in time for 2012. He’ll be drafted after a deadlock at the convention and give his acceptance speech in Spanish, from a helicopter hovering over the Cal-Mex border.
ITEM: Medical drugs are safe. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Here, from the FDA, is a list of drug recalls that have been enacted SO FAR IN 2011 ALONE–
- June 06, 2011 American Regent Recalls Methyldopate HCL Injection, USP 5 mL Single Dose Vial Due to Glass Particulates 3
- June 01, 2011 Aidapak Services, LLC Recalls ALL Repackaged Pharmaceuticals by Aidapak Services, LLC Due to Potential Cross Contamination with Beta Lactam Products 4
- May 19, 2011 American Regent Initiates Nationwide Voluntary Recall of Sterile Water for Injection, USP 50 mL Single Dose Vial Due to Particulate Matter 5
- May 05, 2011 American Regent Recalls Caffeine and Sodium Benzoate Injection, USP 250 mg/mL, 2 mL Single Dose Vial 6
- May 02, 2011 Bristol-Myers Squibb Recalls Coumadin (Warfarin Sodium) Crystalline 5 mg Tablets, Lot Number 9H49374A 7
- April 26, 2011 American Regent Initiates Voluntary Nationwide Recall of Ammonium Molybdate Injection, USP (Molybdenum 250mcg/10 mL) 10 mL Single Dose Vial 8
- April 14, 2011 Ortho-McNeil Neurologics Voluntarily Recalls Two Lots of TOPAMAX® 9
- March 29, 2011 CDC And ADPH Investigate Outbreak At Alabama Hospitals; Products Recalled 10
- March 26, 2011 Greenstone Recalls Citalopram and Finasteride Due to Possible Mislabeling 11
- March 25, 2011 APP Pharmaceuticals Issues A Nationwide Voluntary Recall Of Irinotecan Hydrochloride Injection 12
- March 16, 2011 American Regent Initiates Voluntary Nationwide Recall of Dexamethasone Sodium Phosphate Injection, USP, 4 mg/mL, 1 mL Single Dose Vials; 5 mL and 30 mL Multiple Dose Vials 13
- March 15, 2011 H and P Industries, Inc. Recall of All Lots of Povidine Iodine Prep Pads 14
- March 15, 2011 American Regent Recalls Bacteriostatic Sodium Chloride Injection, USP, 0.9% 30 mL Multiple Dose Vials 15
- March 05, 2011 OTC DRUG Nationwide Recall–Important information for patients about IV PREP Antiseptic Wipes 16
- February 18, 2011 Upsher-Smith Laboratories Announces Expansion of Voluntary Nationwide Recall. Affected Products Include Amantadine, Amlodipine, Androxy, Baclofen, Bethanechol, Jantoven® and Oxybutynin 17
- February 16, 2011 Upsher-Smith Laboratories Recalls Jantoven® Warfarin Sodium Tablets, USP, 3mg, Due To Mislabeled Bottles 18
- February 05, 2011 Qualitest Pharmaceuticals Recalls Hydrocodone Bitartrate and Acetaminophen Tablets and Phenobarbital Tablets 19
- February 04, 2011 Watson Announces Important Action Related to Nationwide Recall of Triad Alcohol Prep Products Included in Products 20
- February 03, 2011 American Regent Recalls Potassium Phosphates Injection, USP 15 mM/5 mL Phosphorus; 22 mEq/5 mL Potassium 5 mL Single Dose Vial, Lot# 0048 21
- January 26, 2011 Pfizer Inc. And Progenics Alert Physicians And Patients To Information Related To Triad Group Alcohol Prep Products Included In U.S. RELISTOR Kit Packaging 22
- January 24, 2011 Important information for ARIXTRA® Starter Kit patients regarding Triad Group’s alcohol prep products 23
- January 14, 2011 McNeil Consumer Healthcare Initiates Voluntary Recall Of Certain Over-The-Counter (OTC) Products 24
- January 13, 2011 Genentech Informs Customers Of Important Information About Triad Groups 25
- January 10, 2011 Important Information for Extavia® (interferon beta 1-b) Patients Regarding Triad Group’s Alcohol Prep Products 26
- January 20, 2011 Important Information for Betaseron® (interferon beta 1-b) Consumers Regarding Triad Group’s Alcohol Prep Products 27
- January 06, 2011 Teva Pharmaceuticals, U.S.A issues a voluntary nationwide recall of Metronidazole Tablets USP, 250mg Due to Low Weight Tablets 28
- January 05, 2011 Triad Group Issues a Voluntary Nationwide Recall of All Lots of Alcohol Prep Pads, Alcohol Swabs, and Alcohol Swabsticks Due to Potential Microbial Contamination
The author of three explosive collections, THE MATRIX REVEALED, EXIT FROM THE MATRIX, and POWER OUTSIDE THE MATRIX, Jon was a candidate for a US Congressional seat in the 29th District of California. He maintains a consulting practice for private clients, the purpose of which is the expansion of personal creative power. Nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, he has worked as an investigative reporter for 30 years, writing articles on politics, medicine, and health for CBS Healthwatch, LA Weekly, Spin Magazine, Stern, and other newspapers and magazines in the US and Europe. Jon has delivered lectures and seminars on global politics, health, logic, and creative power to audiences around the world. You can sign up for his free emails at www.nomorefakenews.com