NEWS ROUNDUP IN A MAD WORLD
JUNE 12, 2011. ITEM: If, thirty years ago, somebody told you politicians were arguing about a picture of some guy’s dick, wouldn’t you think you’d taken a wrong turn and ended up in the Twilight Zone?
Coming up, just ahead, a picture of a guy’s dick.
ITEM: The Chicago Tribune is now the paper of no-record. Their recent editorial about flash mobs in the city indicates that printing the race of a criminal suspect without adding enough info to make an ID is racist. The Trib is now Jesus Christ. Plus a community agency, plus a sociology expert, plus a business doing a suicide leap.
ITEM: Backtrack—Weiner is heading off to rehab, which these days floats all boats. Stupidity? Hiding stuff from your family? Hey, it’s all about mental illness. Let the pros take over. Man is obviously suffering from DICKHEAD DISORDER, a chemical imbalance. Put him on ice for a month, and he’ll be fine. New contriteness to trump former contriteness. “Hey, I’m cured. I can read cue cards.”
ITEM: Looks like the Dept. of Health and Human Services wants to test an anthrax vaccine on…CHILDREN. Wonderful. This was the vaccine that caused so many severe and life-threatening effects in soldiers. Now listen up. As I’ve been telling you for some time, there has never been a properly done clinical trial of ANY vaccine to prove it is effective. And the usual self-serving holier-than-thou reason given for not doing it? It would be unethical to allow volunters to remain unvaccinated. But here it’s quite okay to stab a kid with a vaccine containing anthrax particles. Sure. We’ll go for it. Whatever you say. Just one little thing. YOU over there at the Dept. of Health. YOU line up first and take the shot. Then let’s see how it turns out. I’d say bring in your kids for the vaccine, too, but no, THAT would be unethical. Welcome to guinea-pig nation. Check your brains and your immune system at the door.
ITEM: From the celebrity plastic surgery file: Miami plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Salzhauer says, “The appearance of the hands is the biggest tell-all of a person’s age. Chemical peels or laser treatments can help reduce the appearance of spots and wrinkles. In order to create a smoother appearance to her [Christie Brinkley’s] hands, she could try injecting fat to decrease the appearance of her veins.” Chicken fat? Ass fat? “Shake, pardner. How does my ass feel?”
ITEM: Tennessee just passed a law making it illegal (pay a fine, serve jail time) to send images online that may “frighten, intimidate, or cause emotional stress.” Cause stress to whom? A housewife on Xanax? A nursing-home resident? A religious fanatic? A rabbit in a zoo? A meddling busybody who thinks SOMEONE ELSE may be frightened and is therefore stressed? I suggest using a crocodile as the reference standard. If he blinks and submerges when shown the image, nuke the sender’s house.
ITEM: Goshen College, a small school in Indiana, has banned the National Anthem from sporting events, because it conflicts with their Christian values. Where to start on this one? What about using Onward, Christian Soldiers instead? Or Wind Beneath My Wings? “I can fly higher than an eagle, ’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.” Hey, what about Lush Life? “And there I’ll be, where I’ll rot with the rest, of those whose lives are lonely, too.” No, probably not.
ITEM: A farmer’s land near Montreal is flooded. Carp are swimming in the water. Farmer must buy a fishing license to remove them. Otherwise, pay a fine of $1000. Gov’t official says the licenses are made available to assure farmers they won’t be fined. UH, THEY WON’T BE FINED FOR…FISHING WITHOUT A LICENSE. What factory produces these bureaucrats? I’m telling you, don’t worry about aliens from space.
ITEM: From the looking-back file: HL Mencken (1880-1956) is revered (lip service) as one of the most brilliant journalists in American history. One wonders what would happen now if he were alive and wrote these words he penned in 1924 (“Prejudiced, Fourth Series”): “Suppose two-thirds of the members of the national House of Representatives were dumped into the Washington garbage incinerator tomorrow, what would we lose to offset our gain of their salaries and the salaries of their parasites?”
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