SLICE AND DICE
NOVEMBER 23, 2011. Start measuring body-mass index at age two. Test for cholesterol levels starting at 9. While you’re waiting in line at the DMV, have a free HIV test and receive a $5 voucher for food. And don’t forget to thaw your turkey completely before you put it in a fryer; otherwise it could explode.
The first two are recommendations of a pediatric medical panel. The third is a pilot program underway in Washington DC. The fourth is advice just doled out by your Department of Homeland Security, created to stop terrorist attacks.
People are so nice, aren’t they? They want to help you. How can you refuse? It would be unpatriotic and uncaring, and after all, we live in a share-and-care society. One for all and all for all.
I especially have a warm reaction to the DHS tip on frying turkeys, although I was hoping for a recipe or two. Can I baste mine with motor oil? I was planning to stuff it with old newspapers. Would that work? My dog is allergic to turkey. Any ideas on how to keep him away from the dinner table? The guy I bought the turkey from had it in the back of his pickup. The bird’s apparently filled with shotgun pellets. Are these dangerous to ingest?
I’ve heard at least one company that sells deep fryers is owned by Al- Qaeda. Can this be confirmed?
A couple of items that passed under the radar: in Germany, 1.8 million battery-operated devices for toilets have been sold. They’re attached to the toilets and bark out warnings if the seat is lifted. This encourages men to take a leak while sitting down. And a Swedish firm has designed a talking plate that criticizes an eater if the food is moving off the plate too quickly into the mouth. A British study is forming up to test whether the talking plate can curb obesity.
I’m designing a hand-held transmitter you can use while pretending to read labels on packages 20 feet away from a drug-store pharmacy counter. You press a button and the device loudly states, “Every year, in the US, 106,000 people die as a result of swallowing FDA-approved drugs.”
Hey, I’m sharing, too.
Jon Rappoport